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UNDERSTANDING

All children are needy, and they are needy by nature, not by choice. When we are in the midst of a parent/child emotional struggle, it is so important to remember this truth. It will help us avoid digressing into angry, knee-jerk reactions so that we can respond to our children's "acting out" behaviors with more understanding. Our children don't defy us, or whine, or obsess over things, or fight with their siblings because they want to be difficult or they want to annoy us. They are simply trying to get their needs met: "I want what I want when I want it!" or "I don't want to do what I don't to do!" If we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that we also feel this way about many things in our lives. But as adults, even though we may still carry the feelings, we have learned (hopefully) that all the carping and moaning in the world will do little to help us gain those things any sooner or get us out of something we have to do. One of our primary functions as a parent, then, is to help our children mature beyond this stage of "magical" thinking - that wishing something were so, or even screaming at the top of their lungs trying to make it so will cause it to happen any sooner. Instead, we must help them learn how to set goals, problem-solve, and self-motivate in order to achieve their goals. But we must also help them acquire the coping skills to learn how to deal with disappointment without their emotional state markedly degrading.

And this is where the "patience of Job" comes in handy, if you're one of the lucky ones who possess it. For the rest of us, however, experience and practice is the only way to learn how to deal patiently with our children's constant demands. And what a learning process it is! Tough, to say the least. But there is really no other acceptable option to learning balanced patience in our conflicts with our children. The ultra-strict household creates a whole host of potential emotional problems for children because ultra-obedient children become that way out of fear of their parents. And when the relationship with the parent is dominated by fear in the child, there is little chance for any kind of deep, lasting emotional connection because children are afraid to say what they really feel out of fear of rejection and punishment. The other extreme in parenting style - always giving in to our children because we can't stand their whining - only encourages the kind of "me first" thinking that helps foster what some call the spoiled child. "If I whine and cry loud and long enough," the child in this type of family system soon learns, "I will get what I want." In the permissive household, children often fail to internalize the important life lesson that temper-tantruming is not an acceptable way to get their needs met.

We have all met self-centered adults who never learned this lesson in childhood. Such people may look like adults on the outside, but emotionally, they're still children. I know what this feels like because, as a young man, I was one of those "children." In my permissive family system, I learned that if I whined long enough, my parents would usually give in to me. I can't really say that I blame them because they were so under-equipped to handle the emotional challenges of being parents that they were just trying to "survive" the experience. But coupled with the deep rage in me that was caused by growing up so severely "love-starved," over the years there were many store clerks and others to whom I was extremely rude. As a child, I had this self-centered impatience in public situations modeled for me by my mother, and I absorbed those lessons deeply. And because it usually achieved the desired result - that is, getting your way - I was particularly drawn to it. I wish that I could go back and apologize to these people for venting my anger upon them and making them feel badly (even if they did something that at the time I felt justified my anger). All I can say now is that I have spent the last fifteen years of my adult life "re-parenting" myself, and thus becoming a mature adult. If I hadn't, still more innocent people would be paying for my immaturity.

Besides the fact that this "problem management style" drives people away from us, another negative aspect of an angry, self-righteous disposition is that there is no way to maintain a healthy self-concept when we're continually treating our fellow human beings with contempt. And though we may not always be consciously aware of it, each time we're rude to others - because of our lack of understanding of their true value as human beings and the necessity to treat their feelings with care - it erodes our self-respect just a little more. Many people, however, are keenly aware that their disproportionate anger does damage to others as well as to themselves. And that's good, because it is a strong motivation for change.

In her book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Carol Travis writes:

Studies show that many people say that their self-esteem drops when they have let themselves express anger [specifically, unhealthy anger: anger that hurts others], that they feel depressed for several days, and that a gloomy pall envelops them.

So another aspect of good parenting is to learn to walk the tightrope of patience and understanding across the middle ground that lies between authoritarian rule and anarchy. Defusing our anger at our children for being so constantly needy (by nature, not by choice) and discarding the old parenting model of loud scolding (yelling) and punitive discipline teaches our children that they do not have to fear us and that we understand and care about their various problems and needs, and more importantly, their feelings. Conversely, refusing to give in to our children just to stop their whining helps them give up their "magical" thinking that they can always have what they want when they want it, and that temper-tantruming gets results.

In the context of nurturing, the principle ingredient of understanding is empathy. If we are to gain the insight to guide our children in a healthy direction, we have to be willing to look at each new situation through their eyes. Every child is unique, but if we will pay close attention (and read the literature as to what kinds of things to look for), in some way our child will let us know what he or she really needs from us in order to feel safe, important, and loved. And it may be somewhat different from what another child needs.

In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen R. Covey writes:

This brings us to the importance of seeking to understand before you seek to influence . . . Without understanding, you might as well be yelling into the wind. No one will hear you. Your effort may satisfy your ego for the moment, but there's really no influence taking place . . .

If you knew, for example, that children in a growth stage of around six or seven had a very strong tendency to exaggerate, you wouldn't overreact to that behavior because you would understand. That's why it is so important to understand growth stages and unmet emotional needs, as well as what changes are taking place in the environment that stir up emotional needs and lead to a particular behavior . . . Most child experts agree that almost all "acting out" behavior can be explained in terms of growth stages, unmet emotional needs, environmental changes, just plain ignorance [of our children's emotional needs or an understanding of their experience of being a child], or a combination.

Isn't it interesting: When you understand, you don't judge. We even say to each other, 'Oh, if you only understood, you wouldn't judge.'

"That all sounds good in theory," you may be thinking, "but you've never been with my kid." That's true. But I've been with mine, and a whole pack of cousins and neighborhood kids, as well. And I know; they can be very hard to deal with when you catch them in the wrong mood. Except for a small percentage of the meeker children, they fight, they argue, they defy, they whine and temper-tantrum when they don't get their way: they're kids. But that's the point. It's the reason why we need to try so hard to confront them with understanding when they are faced with a problem (even when the problem seems silly to us): to teach them how to get their needs met in healthier ways. They don't yet possess the emotional skills to get them met without a big fuss (at least some of the time). Ideally, we do. And we must show them the way! Sinking down to their emotional level only reinforces their belief that you can get what you want most effectively (in our case, for them to obey us or to stop whining) by yelling and "carrying on." And though they may make us so angry and wear our patience so thin over the course of the day that, at least on their "bad" days, it can be difficult for us not to become short with them, yell at them, and spank them. But we must try.

Many psychologists equate yelling at and spanking children with physical and emotional abuse. Maybe it's a milder kind of abuse than some of the horror stories we've all heard about, but abuse nonetheless. It still causes many negative emotional consequences for our children. When a child is yelled at and/or spanked, he or she experiences feelings of powerlessness, loss of dignity, shame, and abandonment.

I estimate that I have spanked my daughter six during her five and one half years of existence. I always told myself that I would never strike my child, but alas, none of us is perfect. The first time I spanked her was the classic "running out in the street without looking" episode. She was only about two at the time and it scared me so much that I reacted instinctively, like it was someone else who was spanking her (I believe that I was reenacting an event that happened to me as a child because of the reflexive way in which I reacted). I felt very sad afterward and I vowed never to do it again. But there were some times when she pushed me and pushed me, far beyond my limits, and I took the easy way out. After each time, with the same feelings of disappointment in myself and a promise to protect my beautiful daughter from physical pain, not cause it, I vowed never to do it again. It's now been over a year since I last spanked Camille, so I feel confident in saying that I'm through causing my child physical pain for the remainder of her lifetime.

I would say that I have yelled at Camille maybe 30 times in her short time on the planet, again because of her pushing and my poor reaction to it. I'm happy to say that these episodes are becoming more infrequent as time goes on - not that she's not still pushing (she's a kid), but I am finding better ways to deal with it. The important thing for me is to continue to work and grow so that these temporary lapses in control can be kept to a minimum, and maybe even eliminated. In fact, this is the key to Empowered Parenting: improving our own emotional health as a way to become better parents (and happier, more well-adjusted people who are able to lead more fulfilling lives). But we're not looking for perfection here because it's not a realistic goal. I've heard it said that, if each generation can improve by just one degree in the area of emotional health, eventually we will have a pretty good world in which to live, or at least our children will. I want to increase that by ten or twenty degrees in my daughter and myself. Then maybe in the future, when Camille's children and grandchildren read Empowered Parenting, they will be able see and appreciate where the change to an understanding parenting style in their family's legacy occurred. At least that is my hope.

EMPOWERED PARENTING PRINCIPLE # 2 - Understanding

At those difficult times when our children temporarily lose control or blatantly disobey us, it is preferable to discipline them with stern patience, rather than out of anger, frustration and haste. Contrary to popular belief, it will not cause them to become headstrong and unruly. In fact, disciplining our children with a compassionate, yet firm "hand" will increase their chances of becoming emotionally healthy, cooperative, loving adults - because they will be continually experiencing constructive ways to deal with human conflict without digressing into angry, aggressive behaviors.

I have a challenge for you. Go to the parenting section of your local bookstore and look up "screaming" or "yelling" in the indexes of the parenting books there. You'll be lucky to find it listed in even one out of fifteen or twenty books! Is this because screaming at children is an unpleasant topic to talk about, and maybe the authors don't want to admit that they have raised their voices to their children? As I read some parenting books, it seems to me like they are trying to paint a rosier picture of parenting than really exists - the authors living in their little computer dream worlds of writing about idealized parenting, instead of talking about the nitty-gritty, down in the mud real life problems we face as parents. Yet what percentage of parents never yell at their children? It has to be a rather low number. For most of us, it goes against everything we know not to yell at them.

Many of us were raised with loud scolding, at least those of us who had feisty spirits as children, and especially those of us with over-stressed parents just trying to make ends meet on a daily basis. Then, when we become parents, most of us have little experience dealing with people who often argue with us when we ask them to do things: like pick up after themselves, get ready for bed, get ready for school, and so on. Or not do things: like hit your brother with your doll, write with felt tip markers on the freshly painted wall, or smear chocolate sauce on the sofa. That is why most of us are "hardest on" or strictest with our first child: we are in a lingering state of emotional overload because of our lack experience and preparedness. As a result, we tend to react to our children's acting-out behaviors in a knee-jerk fashion because we are not emotionally ready for the realities of parenting. When the second child comes along, however, we know exactly what to expect and are therefore more prepared to deal with the inevitable problems of child rearing in a calmer fashion.

One note: Nearly all us, when we are new parents, have a fantasy about what family life will be like with our new child - reading books at bedtime with the child falling asleep in the crook of our arm; happy chattering as we fuss over them, making them look handsome or pretty for school; going on Saturday afternoon picnics; working in the garden together, and so on. Of course, this is a big part of the picture, and the most enjoyable part, I might add. But what if, every night when we read our child a book and then expect him or her to fall asleep peacefully, he or she whines and tantrums for another book and another book and another book? And what if we meet this kind of resistance from our child four or five times a day, with a major hassle ensuing each time we try to gain their cooperation? Besides the irritation of their contrary behavior, we may begin to unconsciously feel that our child is wrecking our dream of a happy family life, which only makes us angrier. The important thing is to be ever vigilant not to fall in to a pattern of becoming angry with our children every time there is a conflict. Because if we are always angry during these parent/child power struggles, we will be continually modeling anger for children as a way to solve conflicts. And when they reach a certain age, all the anger we've been spewing at them, as sure as day turns to night, will come back at us with a vengeance (or they will just shut us out completely to avoid "feeling" our anger). Not the storybook we envisioned!

One way to help us change some of the parenting behaviors that we are not particularly proud of is to understand the emotional damage they cause in our children. Now we must leave the parenting section of the bookstore and move to the self-help/recovery section. Self-help books that focus on self-esteem and "inner child" work usually delve deeply into the negative consequences of angry parenting upon children.

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw explains many of the negative feelings children experience when they are physically and emotionally abused. He writes:

When parents abuse children, the abuse is about the parents' own issues not the child's. This is why it is abuse.

Abuse is abandonment because when children are abused, no one is there for them. What's happening is purportedly for the child's own good. But it isn't about the child at all, it's about the parent. Such transactions are crazymaking and induce shame. In each act of abuse the child is shamed. Young children, because of their egocentrism, make themselves responsible for the abuse.

'My caretakers couldn't be crazy or emotionally ill; it must be me,' the child says to himself.

A child must maintain this idealization. Children's minds are magical, egocentric, and nonlogical. They are completely dependent upon their parents for survival. The idealization ensures survival. If my parents are sick and crazy, how could I survive? It must be me. I must be crazy. There's something wrong with me or they wouldn't treat me this way.

Although you may think Mr. Bradshaw is describing the effects of some of the more intense forms of physical and emotional abuse - screaming as a way of life for the parent and maybe intense beatings for bad behavior - he is not. He is describing the every day, common parenting practices with which many of us were raised. And I for one don't want any of the negative consequences of these behaviors to be experienced by my daughter. I don't want her thinking that she's "bad" for her pushing me and that she "deserves" to be yelled at and spanked. I want her to learn that she's human and therefore not perfect, and that if she occasionally behaves in inappropriate ways, she will not be screamed at and hit, causing her to feel powerlessness, loss of dignity, shame, and abandonment. So I always go to her afterward and apologize for being short with her. I tell her that I made a mistake, and try to help her see that maybe she made some mistakes, too. I tell her that I will always be there for her, even if we occasionally fight. I rub her head and hug her and tell her that I love her more than anything, and that I hate it when I hurt her feelings. I refuse to let any temporary loss of control or any ego driven thoughts, such as, "I'm the parent; you're the child! You must do as I say!" undermine my emotional connection with my daughter. I'm proud to say that it has been a very long time since I last raised my voice to Camille. It may happen again from time to time, but I feel strongly that it will be kept to an absolute minimum.

If you have temper control problems and you feel that you cannot change, rest assured, you can learn calmer ways to express yourself in the pressure cooker that is parenting. It's not "just the way you are," as some people say. This mindset is merely a way to justify bad behavior and avoid taking responsibility for it.

In his book, The Case Against Spanking, Irwin A. Hyman disputes this notion:

Unless parents are born with some type of brain dysfunction that causes them to be violent, they learn to lose their tempers from their own parents. The psychologists' term for this is modeling - that's not psychobabble; it's shorthand for a useful insight into how our personalities and behaviors develop . . . When parents complain about their child's temper, I invariably discover that at least one parent has a temper problem and that at least one of his or her parents had a similar problem . . . Many parents of this type do not realize that they are modeling poor impulse control. That is, they are teaching their children by example how to handle frustration badly. The child learns that loosing one's temper and hitting are ways to solve problems.

You will also find many anger management books in the self-help/recovery section of the bookstore, as well. These are particularly helpful in that they give the reader specific methods for learning to diffuse their anger in the sort term, and over the long term how to change an "angry disposition." If we are a parent with an angry disposition, it's time to buy some of these books and learn how to help ourselves. Or better still, we can enroll in an anger management class or workshop. If we take an honest look at ourselves and find that we are constantly angry with our children (or at the world), it's time to drop all the pretenses and excuses for why we are the way we are and that we cannot change. That's baloney. We just have to have the guts to be willing to change. There are excellent counselors available in all major cities throughout the country for individual and group sessions. Many have sliding pay scales for those in the lower income brackets (or even free for the lowest). Everyone can change; at least everyone who is willing.

In her book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Carol Travis describes a program where "disproportionate" anger and aggressive behaviors were successfully treated in a group of young boys:

John Lochman, at Duke University Medical Center, set up an anger-coping intervention program with elementary-school boys (one third of whom were black, the rest white). These boys, who had been referred by their classroom teachers, were highly disruptive, violent, and antisocial.

[In the anger-coping program], they learned how to speak about their angry feelings with self-statements, such as "I am feeling . . ." instead of you-statements, such as "You always . . .). They watched videotaped examples of men modeling anger control and self-management. They set up role-playing situations. They learned problem-solving skills so they could change the problem that was making them angry instead of seething about it.

Three years later . . . the boys in the anger program acquired higher self-esteem, they were better able to solve problems, and they lost many of their antisocial habits. Interestingly, they were also less likely to be using drugs or alcohol. The researchers speculate that the problem-solving training prepared the boys to "make more careful, less impulsive decisions" about drug use.

Many other studies like the one described above reveal that chronic anger is learned behavior, behavior that can be carefully and systematically unlearned by the majority of those people who wish to do so. And because repeated anger directed at children by chronically angry parents teaches children anger and aggression as problem-solving techniques, and has such disastrous effects upon their self-esteem, as well, it is crucial that more parents make that choice. As difficult as it may be, we as parents must fight any tendencies we have to become flustered and impatient when our children misbehave, or when they disobey us. And we must resist the urge to devalue our children because of our anger, or our inability to envision a better way to positively influence their behavior. Discipline them with sternness? Of course. Where would parents be without their "I mean business" tone of voice? But those shaming, "what is wrong with you" words and tones that many of us experienced as children must be "unlearned" at all cost. Especially with young children, their feelings and burgeoning self-esteem can be very fragile. Harsh words always wound children, even though their "psychological defenses" may make it appear as though they are not deeply hurt by our insensitivity.

In other words, children should never be "shamed" for their mistakes. If we regularly discipline our children with disgusted voice tones and facial expressions, by screaming at them and attacking their character, or with physical violence, they will begin to feel "toxic shame" about themselves as people, rather than healthy remorse about particular misdeeds. Excessive shaming (or emotional and physical neglect) can transform our children's healthy feelings of, "I made a mistake," into the unhealthy mind-set: "I am a mistake." Those of us who grew up with a lot of angry discipline and/or very little expressed love and emotional support understand that the previous statement is far more than mere word play. The thought, "I wish I'd never been born," or even ideations of suicide derive from these feelings of worthlessness. Therefore, if our anger surfaces easily, we must continually seek out methods to resolve our anger, and learn to "criticize" our children's misbehavior in more empathetic ways.

For young children, using a technique called diversion is an invaluable addition to our child discipline strategies. We have all seen how children can become fixated on things, and it is difficult for parents not to grow frustrated when it happens many times per day. All new parents discover that simply telling children "No" when they are in this state does little to quell their temporary obsession. It seems that the more reasons we give to children why they cannot have the thing they desire only strengthens their resolve to attain it. And as we play into the trap of keeping their attention focused on something they are not going to get, their requests become more adamant, and frequently become full blown temper-tantrums. Then our only choice seems to be to "pull out the big guns," and our threats of "time out," the loss of privileges, or physical discipline - or the acts themselves - become our only options (or so we think). Indeed, this constant bickering with and disciplining of our children makes the whole family miserable. And we wonder to ourselves, "Are other people's children as difficult as mine are?"

Diverting our young child's attention away from what they are fixated on is a simple, effective way to head off an episode of temper-tantruming. It is a disciplinary method that I would likely have never thought of on my own, and one that has saved my wife and I a world of grief. Of course, first it's a good idea to use mirroring and "active listening," (which I describe later on) to "validate" our children's feelings. It shows them that we care about their "wants", while at the same time shows them that there are "healthy limits" to what they can and cannot have and do. But with a high failure rate for children letting go of their momentary obsession with a simple "No" (or even five or ten), we will likely have to turn to diversion (or a technique called "power-sharing," also described later) to solve this particular problem in our children's lives.

The idea is to get the child's attention onto a different subject by offering them suggestions of something else to do (especially if we'll do it with them), or helping them to recall an enjoyable event, or talking about something they are looking forward to. Sometimes singing songs will do it, or turning on some music and dancing around the living room when they are really obsessed. It is surprising how well this parenting tactic works for "pre-logical" children (roughly age six and under). But I don't use diversion all the time because I want my daughter to also learn how to accept "No" for an answer: to feel the disappointment of not getting what she wants and then develop the coping skills to bring herself back to an optimistic mindset. (I save those times for when I'm feeling well rested and in control). Some may think that singing songs or discussing a fun future event is a strange thing to do when a child is having "behavioral problems." But isn't it better than yelling and spanking? What about our children's self-esteem, when we are always yelling at them and ordering them around? Is this an effective way to teach self-control?

ESTEEM-BUILDING FORMULA FOR EFFECTIVE CHILD DISCIPLINE

When your young children are having behavioral problems of any kind, stop what you're doing and hug them. Take a "step back" from the problem at hand, put your arms around them or pick them up. Confirm that it can be "very sad" or "disappointing" and that it indeed makes them "angry" when they can't have what they want, or when they can't get along with others (validation for their feelings). In a soothing voice, tell them how much you love them. Tell them that you want to help them solve their problem - even if that problem is their refusal to obey you. And tell them that you will always support them and that you believe in them, if they are having self-doubts. Also let them know that it is okay to cry (expressed within healthy limits) when they are sad or angry.

It is our physical contact - a parent's comforting touch - and our empathetic words and facial expressions that soothe our children's frustrations better than anything. True, they will often pull away at first. But if we will maintain our composure (our maturity), our patience will eventually pay off. It is especially effective to squat down or kneel on all fours - to come down "into their world," if you will - and establish direct eye contact. It still amazes me to see those little arms reach out and latch around my neck, when only moments before they were folded in defiance. And where once there was stubbornness, now there is a sense of camaraderie and cooperation, like we are partners working to solve a shared problem.

The point is, we're not giving up any of our parental authority when we use empathy and understanding to gently guide our child's mindset out of a state of defiance and into one of cooperation. In fact, our authority becomes even more secure than when we just "order" our children to do what we want and then punish them if they do not. We are teaching them, by example, to respect the feelings of others, as well as how to cooperate and negotiate in order to problem solve. Besides, what parent wants to live the kind of tumultuous daily life where they are always angry with their children? For most of us, we only discipline in this way because it's all we know. And we may be creating future problems for our children because it's often the kids who are dominated the most in childhood who rebel the hardest against authority in adolescence and early adulthood. This happens because they were never brought into the disciplinary process, emotionally, and thus never learned how to discipline themselves.

For those of you who still resist the idea, think of it this way. Can you imagine any of the world's great religious leaders teaching people about life in this way? Would Gandhi or Jesus or Gautama Buddha or Mother Teresa use loud, angry voices or physical violence to try to shape the minds of young people? If you saw you child being treated this way in a day care center, wouldn't you get him or her out of there as fast as possible, and maybe even alert the authorities? Shouldn't we expect the same of ourselves? On a constitutional level, we as parents do have a right to discipline our children as we see fit (within limits). But because of the sacredness of each individual life, I believe that there is a higher standard to uphold. Parents all the time can and do learn how to "discipline" with patience and compassion, which creates allies in their children who will want to cooperate with them far more frequently. It's true, it takes a great deal of hard work and practice to break free of old habits, but the rewards are immeasurable. Ultimately, our children will respond to our nurturing discipline, and their feelings of self-worth will become that much stronger each time we reassure them of our support during a "crisis."

In his book, The Case Against Spanking, Irwin A. Hyman writes about the necessity of maintaining open lines of communication with our children at all times:

You must have good rapport with your child during normal times so you can cope effectively when the child misbehaves . . . The basis of rapport is mutual trust. To aid this process you need to convey to your children that you have "unconditional positive regard" for them. No matter what they do, they can tell you about it without fear of personal condemnation and rejection . . .

A good way to establish rapport is to encourage your children, from an early age, to talk about problems they are having with their friends, their complaints about you, and their problems at school. Especially with young children, the complaints may sound trivial and boring, but you should have daily discussions about them anyway.

Our children don't need our understanding quite so much when they are doing well, although it is the basis for our rapport with them when we they are having behavioral problems. It is when they "screw up" that they really need us to be there for them. Especially at those times when they have made bad decisions or even blatantly disobey us; that is when they need us the most! Because when our children feel free to confide in us about their mistakes, it provides us with many golden opportunities to help them avoid further bad decisions in their lives and to give them our emotional support when they really need it. Screaming at them and disciplining them harshly will only cause them to shut us out emotionally. And though they may obey us in the short term, in the long term this parenting method will likely cause us to "lose" our child for good, or at least cause him or her to live at an emotional distance from us because of the wedges we have built in the relationship. And in adolescence, when these children become armed with a greater sense of autonomy and independence, their normal rebellion stage often becomes exaggerated because they are bound and determined to prove to us that we can no longer push them around. I believe that it is far better to keep our children in "our camp," emotionally, than it is to create adversarial relationships where they have a strong desire to defeat our "power base" at some point in their lives.

Therefore, when our children misbehave, it is vital to make it clear that it is their misbehavior we disapprove of, and not them as a whole. In this way, their self-esteem will not be negatively impacted and they will not shut us out emotionally. The old standby, "I love you, BUT; I will not tolerate that behavior!" (and all its variations) appears to have the most beneficial overall effects on our children's behavior, their self-esteem, and the parent/child bond. It is when we go beyond our healthy anger - which is best displayed in the form of sternness, not yelling - and begin to denigrate our children verbally or physically that the trouble begins. Instead, if we will help our children discover that mistakes are their teachers, even the mistake of behaving badly, they will learn to accept their mistakes as minor obstacles in the quest for their goals. And of utmost importance, as they mature they will also learn to talk to us about their needs and problems in a mutual search for reasonable solutions, rather than feeling they have to fight with us in order to get their needs met, or hide their misbehavior and mistakes out of fear of reprisal. Moreover, if we want our children to continue to risk trying new things, it is important for them to know that we will not shame for their mistakes. Given the reality of being human, I think it is fair to say: To be a perfect human being means to accept our normal human mistakes as steps in the learning process. Promptly admitting our own mistakes (like yelling at them), and apologizing where appropriate, will show them the way.

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©1996 Mark A. Reuther, All rights reserved

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