Ten Principles of Empowered Parenting

All children need consistent, attuned attention from their primary caregivers. When there are two parents involved in a child's life, it is essential that both parents are emotionally available for the child. The timeworn notion that children need nurturing primarily from their mothers is no longer valid; they need ample emotional attention from their fathers, as well. But whether there is one caregiver or two, it is important that we as parents develop a daily routine of focused interaction with each of our children - because individual quality time is what makes them feel valuable to us, deep within their hearts. Fulfilling our children's attention needs is a key component of instilling high self-esteem, and helps cement the parent-child bond.

Empowered Parenting Principle #2 - UNDERSTANDING

We all know how important it is to feel understood by our loved ones. Our children are no exception. With understanding comes deep feelings of trust between parent and child, which allows children to confide in their parents about any problems they may be facing, rather than hide them out of fear of reprisal. Moreover, understanding a child's inner life forms the foundation for effectively influencing his or her emotional growth. When we as parents are willing to listen to and empathize with our children's daily challenges, it provides us with an open window to their soul. And now armed with these new insights, we can then make the best possible decisions about what they need from us in order to overcome their problems: such as more reassurance when they are feeling insecure; help in thinking more clearly about a confusing issue; or more guidance or discipline when they are having trouble maintaining control.

Empowered Parenting Principle #3 - EXPRESSED LOVE

Enthusiastic parental expressions of delight and support provide vital emotional nourishment for a child's developing sense of self-worth. Since children base their self-concept on how they perceive their parents' feelings toward them, it is not enough simply to have these feelings; we must demonstrate our love for them on a regular basis throughout their early years and beyond. It's easy to fall into the old "My kids know that I love them" trap, particularly if that's the sort of family system we were raised in. But love has no value unless it is given. So if we truly love our kids, then we must make sure that we tell them often. And if we are pleased and impressed with what they do, we must show them with our appreciation and approval. New research indicates that this essential input actually stimulates the growth of neuronal connections within the brain in those areas associated with positive emotions. And because our children will "carry their brain function with them" into adulthood, a childhood filled with parental love is crucial for their living a lifetime of inner happiness.

Empowered Parenting Principle #4 - INCLUSION

A child's healthy "attachment" to his or her primary caregivers is the first way that children learn to feel like welcome and valuable members of the human community. This core sense of belonging to the family group is what enables children to move confidently into the world at large and reach out to others in a spirit of good will and camaraderie, instead of feeling like social outsiders. As our children mature, another aspect of inclusion is learned when they experience the satisfaction of having others depend on them. This is taught in the home by having each child be responsible for age-appropriate family duties. These important responsibilities help children embrace the idea that to live honorably means to "earn one's keep," and that other people's needs are as important as theirs are. In this way, our children will become accountable to themselves, to their families, and to society as a whole.

Empowered Parenting Principle #5 - VALIDATION

The study of the human psyche reveals that all of our emotions - even the so-called negative ones - play pivotal roles in our emotional health. Therefore, children need to have all of their emotions validated (supported) - when expressed in appropriate ways - to ensure their proper development. For example, it's true that children cannot have everything they want. But denying them the freedom to express their displeasure about it may cause their healthy anger to become repressed. And since we can't really get rid of our emotions by pushing them down inside us, bottled up anger is usually expressed as intense rage sometime in the future. (Psychologists call this "gunnysacking"). Conversely, children who cannot seem to quell their own anger will need our help in learning how to maintain control. Through the use of soothing validation for their anger, these children will eventually begin to emulate our comforting tone in their own minds and thus learn to calm themselves down. In short, appropriate validation for all of our children's emotions will help them mature into fully functional adults who possess the necessary emotional skills to get their needs met, and who have empathy for the feelings of others.

Empowered Parenting Principle #6 - STRUCTURE

Parents who set ever-expanding "healthy limits" for their maturing children provide them with solid, yet flexible physical and psychological boundaries: safe havens in which to grow and thrive. And children who are raised in these consistent, structured environments will have the best possible chance to develop positive feelings of self-worth, self-confidence and a sense of belonging. In the overly permissive family system, a child's self-esteem may suffer from the lack of emotional security which well-defined boundaries normally bring. And as to the other extreme, the oppressively rigid family system, our children's self-esteem may also suffer because they are not being given enough freedom to learn how to depend on their own resources and abilities. A balanced environment of clearly defined and enforced limits that are fair, nonoppressive and sometimes negotiable is what seems to have the best overall effect on a child's self-esteem and psychological development.

Empowered Parenting Principle #7 - MODELING

All children naturally take their cues form their parents or caregivers about how to interact with others and function in our world. This means that the most effective way to teach children emotionally healthy thoughts and behaviors - from interpersonal relationship skills to the ability to deal with life's daily frustrations - is for parents to "model" emotional health for them. In other words, the contradictory messages contained in the "Do as I say, not as I do" parenting style do not serve children well, because it is not our words but our behavior that children pay closest attention to. Consequently, it is vital that we work to become as emotionally balanced and complete as possible before we become parents and, continue to work toward our own well-being after the fact. After all, you can't give away something you don't have. And so it is impossible for parents to give their children an emotional wholeness which they do not possess.

Empowered Parenting Principle #8 - POWER-SHARING

All emotionally healthy children will fight with their parents as they push to gain more personal freedom and control over their lives. This is the normal expression of a child's drive toward full independence in adulthood. Power-sharing is a teaching method that offers children "structured choices" as a way to guide them through the process of expanding their physical and psychological boundaries. If we as parents are willing to repeatedly renegotiate new boundaries with our maturing children - while resisting the urge to always dominate them in order to gain their cooperation, or always give in to them because we tire of arguing - we will be creating interactive, cooperative home environments, where our children can learn the critical life skills for balancing their own needs with the needs of others.

Empowered Parenting Principle #9 - HIGH EXPECTATIONS

If we want our children to develop the emotional and thinking skills necessary to accomplish their goals, it is essential that they internalize the psychological traits of goal-setting and self-motivation. Studies have shown that maintaining high expectations for children is the most effective tool that parents can use to help them become the best they can be. Of course, this does not mean holding children to impossibly high standards, or scolding and punishing them when they do not perform well. In fact, even though they may continue to achieve in order to please us, demanding too much of our children usually destroys their optimism and desire to excel. Instead, through the use of measured encouragement and praising, the feelings of self-confidence and inner satisfaction that our children will gain from their personal accomplishments will then motivate them to continue on, as they attempt to realize all of their life's dreams.

Empowered Parenting Principle #10 - PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT

Personal empowerment is a two step process that involves education and introspection. While empowered parents accept the fact that all human beings are fallible, we don't just sit around and cop out to the tired excuse, "that's just the way I am." If we have an emotional problem - be it inappropriate anger, emotional withdrawal, substance abuse, a pattern of attraction to unhealthy partners, you name it - we muster the courage to face our challenges and then work diligently to improve ourselves. We understand that our kids need us to be as emotionally strong and healthy as possible. And so we educate ourselves about the new insights into human psychological development; then we take a good, hard look in the mirror and do what needs to be done. And as we work to advance this newly evolving consciousness that we as a society are currently in - even if it is only within the small sphere of our family and personal relationships - we know that we are contributing to the well-being of future generations in ways we cannot even imagine.

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Empowered Parenting Principle #1- ATTENTION