Every Child Needs:

1) Unconditional Love: physical and emotional warmth and closeness, through both good times and bad. In conjunction with an enduring sense of trust from both sides, unconditional love forms the foundation for a lifelong, mutually respectful, nurturing relationship between parent and child.

2) Validation: affirmation for a child's thoughts, feelings, ideas, efforts, and especially for his or her individuality as a human being. Validation begins with a parent's highly attuned attention. Through generous praise, recognition, appreciation, hugs, pats on the back, and so forth, a child comes to feel as though his or her feelings truly matter within the family unit. Feeling solidly supported by our families during childhood is the primary mechanism for the formation of healthy self-esteem in human beings.

3) Structure:an environment of "healthy limits" in which a child can grow and thrive. Good structure for children is a matter of balance. In order for them to feel emotionally secure and yet still have the freedom to grow, children need to experience age-appropriate, continually expanding boundaries as they mature. Nonoppressive, sometimes negotiable (where appropriate) limits are enforced with compassionate discipline, the ultimate goal being to teach children the arts of self-discipline and self-motivation.

4) Understanding: a child gains emotional security from knowing that he or she can make mistakes (even the mistake of behaving badly) without being shamed or degraded with excessive parental anger or harsh punishment. In this type of nurturing family system, parents understand that mistakes are an integral part of the learning process, and that children learn life's lessons more fully when they are guided with an "empathetic hand."

5) Healthy Modeling: consistent parental examples of emotional wholeness. We parents must show our children the way toward balance in life by modeling such things as emotional generosity toward others, calm and effective problem-solving skills (particularly in our dealings with them), healthy coping strategies in regard to our own daily stresses, and the ability to set goals and sustain our efforts in achieving them. For better or worse, our parental behavior is the most powerful life teacher for our children.

6) Challenge: age-appropriate incentives for a child to learn life's emotional and practical lessons at each developmental stage. In order to bolster our children's ability to problem-solve and achieve their goals, their minds need to be stimulated by learning new skills and overcoming obstacles. As we parents offer our children a wide variety of subject matter to explore, our use of encouragement and praise is key in sustaining their desire to master their world.

7) Inclusion: a sense of belonging to the family group, and to the community at large. A healthy attachment to the primary caregiver in childhood is the first way that children learn to feel like welcome and valuable members of the family group. This core sense of belonging is what enables children to move confidently into the world, and reach out to others in a spirit of good will and camaraderie. It is important for them to experience the satisfaction of having other people depend on them, as well, which is taught in the home by having each child be responsible for important family duties. In this way, our children will learn to be responsible to themselves, to their families, and to society.

When a child's developmental needs are met, he or she will naturally begin to experience:

Healthy Self-Esteem: core feelings of self-acceptance, self-confidence, and self-respect as an individual. A child develops healthy self-esteem when his or her feelings, ideas, and achievements are accepted, valued, and supported within the family unit over the long term. Unlike arrogance - which is often a coping mechanism for covering up underlying feelings of worthlessness - healthy self-esteem is the keystone to understanding, respecting, and valuing others.

Self-Actualization: a child's growing recognition of his or her unique thoughts and abilities throughout the maturation process. The prime goal of parenting is to prepare our children for independence in adulthood. We parents must therefore consistently encourage our children's journey toward autonomy, so they can learn to thrive "without us," emotionally, materially, and spiritually.

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