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Self-Esteem: A Crucial Factor

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The development of a healthy self-image in our children is not something that any parent should take for granted. With a positive self-concept, our children will confidently move out into the world in pursuit of their dreams and aspirations. Indeed, high self-esteem forms the bedrock for the development of other positive personality traits, such as good interpersonal relationship skills, the ability to self-motivate and focus on tasks, the confidence to lead people and speak before a group, and so forth. Conversely, feelings of low self-esteem will likely hamper our children's ability to present themselves to the world with assurance and grace. And the great tragedy is that their insecurities will usually sabotage their efforts to attain their life goals. In short, a healthy sense of self-esteem gives children the best possible chance to adapt and excel in all life situations.

The issue of self-esteem in human beings is a complex and hotly debated topic within the child development community. A number of well known authors, for example, write that the acquisition of high self-esteem is primarily a byproduct of capable performance at the tasks in our lives. Although a crucial part of the equation, this limited view fails to take into account the large number of high achievers who also possess chronic feelings of self-doubt. Others support programs designed to make children feel good directly. They advocate such things as the elimination of score keeping in elementary school soccer matches because losing makes children "feel bad." Many psychologists, however, believe that not allowing children to learn the valuable coping skills necessary for dealing with loss and disappointment ill prepares them for the real world, and is actually disruptive to the formation of a healthy self-image. This "feel good directly" approach is also responsible for the infusion of all the "I like being me" books and songs that are so popular in schools today. Clearly, these positive self-image messages hold some benefit for our children. But can any and all efforts in a "secondary arena" really bolster a child's flagging self-image, when it is a lack of effective nurturing in the primary arena for emotional development - the home - that is causing the problem?

Beyond the "feeling good directly" vs. "mastery of skills" debate, one thing is for certain: The need for encouragement, appreciation, emotional support, and respect for our feelings is an intrinsic part of our human psychological makeup. This essential input tells us that we MATTER to those we love. When children feel as though their feelings DON'T MATTER much to their parents or other caregivers, whether real or perceived, the formation of a healthy self-concept becomes all but impossible. Nobel Laureate, Dr. Murray Gell-Mann, tells of his realization that his feelings and ideas were rarely supported as a child, and that it is the primary cause of his low self-esteem.

At the Academy Awards ceremony this year I saw Jody Foster accept her award for best actress. She said she wanted to thank all her family, her mother, father, uncles, aunts, brothers, and sisters and so on for making her feel so good about herself and telling her all her finger paintings were Picassos. Suddenly it struck me that I never felt that way. I have always doubted myself and felt insecure. At the root of my self-doubt is the way my family was structured. There was so much perfectionism and criticism.
.....                  Kenneth R. Pelletier Sound Mind, Sound Body

We at HeartMates® believe that the development of high self-esteem in children has a variety of factors. There is, however, one key element in its formation: the consistent high regard with which a child's feelings are treated within the family unit over the long term. When we as parents or caregivers handle our children's many and varied feelings with the utmost care - by continually encouraging and supporting their positive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and then disciplining them empathetically when they misbehave - we are consistently demonstrating how valuable they are to us on a daily basis. And the positive esteem benefits of growing up in this sort of nurturing environment are truly astounding. You see, this is because all kids go through a normal developmental stage of egocentrism during childhood. So they naturally interpret their good treatment in the family as something for which they, themselves, are responsible, rather than the fact that they are blessed with caregivers who are excellent nurturers. In other words, the child who is parented with patience, understanding, affection, and respect will adopt the unconscious attitude that "I must be a pretty great kid, if I am being treated so well!" Conversely, children who are neglected or dealt with harshly, especially when there is an abundance of shaming, blaming, and yelling going on, often feel as though they have little value because they are being treated so poorly.

For those parents who understand the vulnerable nature of our children's psyches and the impact of our parenting style upon their healthy emotional development, only one question remains: "Which kind of parent do I choose to be?"

Choose HeartMates®
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